This month marks the 50th anniversary of the TV show The Jetsons. What was awesome about The Jetsons is that it showed us a marvelous 21st century future of flying cars, robot slaves, two-hour work weeks, semi-articulate dogs and push-button … everything.
It was all bullshit, of course; practically none of it came true. Sure, buttons are everywhere, and dogs are closer than ever to speaking in adorably dog-accented English, but domestic robot technology is still limited to minor vacuuming and assisted masturbation duties. Two-hour work weeks only exist for members of Congress. And don’t even bring up the flying car, that shibboleth of retro-TV sitcom futuristic-alization.
Total bullshit
Damn right, TV does lie to us. But that’s not all. Books lie too. I’ve read entire books full of lies, and I’m not just talking about David Barton’s book on Thomas Jefferson here. I’m talking about books like 1975: And the Changes to Come by Arnold B. Barach, which was published in 1962, the same year The Jetsons debuted. It was one of those vaguely edu-taining books about how incredibly awesome The Future was supposed to be – in this case, the far-off future world of 37 years ago – by making tantalizing prognostications about cool technological innovations that were certain to come. Only one thing about this book is really certain, however: 1962 was a huuuuuge year for bullshit.
Here are a few of my favorite failed dreams of awesome-itude from 1975: And the Changes to Come:
Bacon in a Toaster. In a goddamn TOASTER! No more searing flesh burns from spattering pan grease or from flipping the strips over with your tongue. The bacon would come pre-fried, hermetically sealed in a futuristic aluminum space-pouch to keep away future bacteria and roving bacon-hunting Totoros. All you do is slide the pouch in your friendly 1975 toaster, set it to “Baconate,” and – a few minutes and searing flesh burns later – Instant Bacon Goodness. In a futuristic aluminum space-pouch, because, you know, the Future.
The Hi-Fi Sphere. In the same way that bacon tastes better when re-heated in an aluminum pouch, sound sounds better when it’s coming from a round aluminum thing. Long-playing Hi Fidelity records are round. Rolling Stones are round, Barry White is round. Your ears are round. Your head is round, and your face-talking hole is round. So should your high-fidelity, sound-barking, audio-making equipment set be: Round. EXTRA BONUS: Round(ish) speakers on an extendo-matic telescoping antenna-looking thingy, for maximum head-injury potential. When not in use, the giant round sound thing closes to form a perfectly symmetrical aluminum sphere, blending in naturally with all your other giant ball-shaped décor.
Giant Television … Something. We all knew the future of big-screen TV was going to be dozens of cluttered dials and twisty control things all crammed in together at convenient standing eye-level for maximum getting-up-out-of-your-chairability, and here our technological miracle stands – about six feet from your chair. The ultimate in deluxe televisions comes over-the-air, wired-antenna ready, able to receive grainy state-of-the-art analog signals from dozens of miles away, or maybe from around the world if something something. Set-top dials can be set to different time zones just in case you have that urgent OCD need to tell time that way, or maybe they’re kitchen timers for the bacon toaster. Plus a world map so you can keep track of where orbiting astronauts are. In the Future.
The Turkey Gun. With all the astronauting we will have had been doing in 1975, naturally we’ll have had needed revolutionary new food-to-face-hole delivery devices to take advantage of the huge pain-in-the-ass convenience of Zero Gravity. Based on absolutely no evidence or experience, the top futurologists of 1962 determined that earthly utensils, dishes and even solid food itself would be absolutely useless, if not deadly – and possibly Communist – in 1975 outer space. The answer? Based on the same physics principles that modern, 21st century pastry bags employ, this marvelous “Expelling device screws onto punctured can and is operated by squeezing to force food through the nipple.” Say that again: “Force food through the nipple.” Science!
I could go on, of course; there’s plenty more. In 1962 people were both anxious and hopeful about the future in that special way that only a culture on the cusp of both conquering space and self-annihilation could appreciate, and I suppose predictions like these held a special fascination for them. By now, of course, we’ve long since figured out that ball-shaped sound is for chumps and that we could hire other people to toast our pre-fried bacon for us, so perhaps we don’t look at the future in quite the same way – or maybe we do. I don’t know, I’m not fucking Carl Sagan here.
Photos from the book 1975: And the Changes to Come, by Arnold B. Barach; Harper, 1962
See more information about all things bacon in my next post.
ROVING BACON-HUNTING TOTOROS?!?
You are my favorite genius writer. Always. This is flocking awesome.
Danke schön, mein cupcake. I think I blacked out when I wrote that phrase; at least, I don’t remember typing it consciously.
Seriously, the pleasure is all mine. You slip these expensive little trinkets all over the place in your writing. What I’m saying here is this: you’ve got some masterful mojo with the words. Daaaaaaamn!
Squee.
And congrats on your Freshly Pressed moment! Well deserved, my friend! YAY!
I would take most, if not all, of these technologies in lieu of many of the false positives we are saddled with today…my Verizon cel phone doesn’t have coverage in Sunnyvale next to Verizon headquarters…to paraphrase Deckard in “Blade Runner”, “If it’s a benefit, it’s not my problem…” – great article P!
We’re closer than ever to 2019, and still no Nexus series fuckbots. What the hell, science?
Both pleasure models also had that whole kick-murder squad option in full swing…you need to join us in LA in 2019 to watch the masterpiece to see if it finally comes true (hint: LA already is like that, without the flying cars…)
Given the global bacon shortage looming on the horizon, I guess I’ll have to wait to launch my caffeinated-bacon concept. But if you don’t believe any of this nonsense, just remember that according to Back to the Future Part II, U.S.A. Today will have floating news cameras to capture everything that’s going on and skateboards will be replaced by hoverboards and we’ll have hovercars. Personally, I want one of those self-drying jackets…or maybe I’ll just start to wear two neckties at once in an effort to be cool.
great article!
I’m rapidly losing confidence in the BTTF timeline coming about. Unless we have 15 new Jaws sequels pop up by 2015.
that should be shark week for next year–2 new jaws movies a day (+ a bonus one on the last day of shark week).
Wow. Just…wow. All simply AWESOME ideas, but the bacon toaster is my favorite.
BTW, did you hear the announcement in the last few days about the impending world-wide bacon shortage. Seriously. That’s worse than any zombie apocalypse…
😉
The Baconocalypse is of prime concern of us here at the Bohemian Radio Institute.
Really awesome… i am becoming a regular visitor to your blog….
Thank you kindly. Just make sure to call first; I tend to type au naturale.
This is great! I love your blog, i’ll definitely be following!
And I’ll be furtively looking behind me.
“…operated by squeezing to force food through the nipple.” Say that again: “Force food through the nipple.” Science!” LOL – love it! Thanks – lea
There’s no rational excuse for that combination of words, is there?
I bet if billions of people worldwide weren’t converting their facebook to timeline, making collages on instagram and reblogging themselves on tumblr, we’d have AT LEAST a hovering scooter!
The answer has to be magnets. Perhaps some sort of bacon-flavored magnet.
forcing food through a nipple….hmmm, I’ll take the bacon in the toaster.
I love the simplistic wow factor from old “futuristic” cartoons and tv shows like the Jetsons and where we aren’t today.
Sure, unlimited streaming media is cool and everything, but no jetpacks? Come ON.
Yeah! The Bacon Toaster would have been GREAT! There’s still hope!!
She says: AND you’re a really funny writer!
Thank you very kindly.
What about those little balls of music from Man Who Fell to Earth? I want my music both shiny and impractical, dammit!
Those music balls must have gone the way of the minidisc, ’cause later in the movie they’re back to old vinyl records. WTF, man?
You had me at bacon. I would like to have a nice little device that would spit out a couple slices of perfect bacon with little fuss and no cleanup. I guess you just need to do a little bit more work for something so good. When I make bacon now, I bake it in my convection oven.
It used to be a huge chore to track down certain documents, films, books, records and other stuff that just magically appears online now, but we haven’t figured out Instant Bacon? Where are our priorities?
Well, we got the bacon thing. Just in a microwave instead. Without the aluminum. I buy pre-cooked bacon all the time, slap it between two papertowels, heat 30 seconds, and I have perfect (but rediculously thin) slices of bacon in almost no time with no mess.
Always start with bacon. People can’t resist it and will be mesmerized by the remainder of the article.
What are your feelings ablout Sizzlean?
I don’t think I ever had that.
This is too funny. Thanks for the laugh. I will enjoy reading you in THE FUTURE. I have to wonder about all the grease fires in toasters caused by those bacon packets. Would they really be sealed??? Do we have flour in 1975 to put those fires out, if we are no longer baking bread to eat? The whole world may burn down if its’ only real food left is toaster bacon.
No word on the availability of flour in the far future of 1975, but if they have toasters, I imagine they have bread of some kind, unless toasters have all gone bacon-only.
Well, that would be great. I usually use bacon instead of bread when I make sambiches. Doesn’t everyone?
Super enjoyable post!
Thank you; glad you liked it.
Awesome. I can’t stop laughing! Thanks for sharing.
I can stop laughing when I think about something sad, like a world without bacon toasters. Oh, wait …
Oh no, a world without bacon toasters, what is happening?
Oh my gosh! Just today I heard that because of the summer drought, we will have less bacon! JUST WHEN WE LEARN ABOUT TOASTED BACON!!! The universe continues to slap our faces!
It’s always wise to stock up on processed pork products during times of plenty – or have we learned NOTHING from Scripture?
Come to think of it, I’ll have to double-check on the Scripture thing.
If bacon toasters were in every household, there would be no international conflict. The disputes that couldn’t be settled with bacon could undoubtedly be resolved with vodka.
Congratulations on being Freshly Pressed and thank you for sharing this amusing post with us.
The very lack of the existence of the bacon toaster itself is elegant and undeniable proof that the powers-that-be don’t WANT us to have world peace, eh? Just something the Bohemian Radio Institute is looking into – I’ll say no more yet.
Thank you for the kudos. The Freshly Pressed distinction is a surprise, but a much-appreciated one.
This is cool, man, thanks for posting.
And thank you for reading.
i love the article but i equally love the banter with the commenters. if blogging falls through, consider stand-up with a participating audience. no, just kidding. blogging/writing will never fall through for you. it won’t go the way of the bacon toaster. i have to say, tho, i’m salivating for a hi-fi sphere. (actually, it does appear to look forward to surround sound with the telescoping speakers, doesn’t it.) but, seriously, i must have a repressed and heretofore unnoticed sphere fetish because i’m REALLY wanting on that thing. not to mention how pleasing it is to the lips to say “hi-fi sphere”. it also made me think of that enormous globe hitler kept in his office at the reich chancellery. wouldn’t it be awesome if that thing were dissected and found to be a hi-fi sphere? that the third reich had developed it before we, uh, were to have, and hid it inside a globe? oh, clever clever nazis! ok, i’m way off topic.
I think we all know the Hi Fi Sphere was an offshoot of Operation Paperclip. There’s no disguising it.
Brilliant – well deserved FP! Gotta love those antenna speakers. 🙂
Cool blog!
Thank you for the compliments. I imagine it was only lawsuits resulting from blunt force head trauma that kept antenna speakers from their rightful place in consumer electronics history.
Strange you don’t have any future predictions for the typewriter. Who in 1961 imagined we would be transferring our thoughts via keyboard through a small word processing pad and sending them wirelessly through uber space to millions of people who are reading our thoughts on their own personal mind-meld tablets, phones, or PC’s?
A thought provoking piece of history.
I don’t actually type it myself; I outsource my typing to a offshore typing farm in the Caymans. I love living in the future.
The Hi Fi Sphere is all kinds of fabulous! Loivng your writing style, congrats on Freshly Pressed…
Thanks for the kind words. I’m grooving on that Hi Fi Sphere as well; it’s a little sad that I can’t put a bid on one on eBay.
Yes…that Space Age aesthetic is so much more fun than flatscreen/black stackable module. Bring back the egg shaped TV and the 1970s Weltron!
This post was awesome and you should feel awesome. 😀 Really good stuff here.
Danke so very much.
I just wrapped my bacon in aluminum foil and shoved it in my toaster. Disaster! Just kidding, I did not do this. You are a brilliant writer. Good stuff.
It’s very tempting to try, I must say. Thanks for the kudos.
Pingback: Bacon in a Toaster: A Future Too Awesome to Happen « paulcraven
You’ve got a very nice and very interesting post! I enjoyed dropping by your blogs. Keep it coming! Very well written and well deserved to be on FP! Awesome!
Thank you. The FP was a complete surprise, let me tell you, but much appreciated.
Sure!
Did you read about how there will be a world-wide bacon shortage come 2014? Simply outrageous!
Coincidence? Causality, we meet again!
fantastic post. gotta say, i do kind of want bacon in a toaster!
Who wouldn’t? Except the Bacon Pan-Fryers’ Union, perhaps.
Pingback: What Makes a Post Freshly Press-able: Bacon in a Toaster | The Daily Post at WordPress.com
Pingback: A Conspiracy of Bacon: Strange Rumblings in Porklandia « Bohemian Radio
Well Phillip, you and John Prine , living in the future …..
Jehosaphat the mongrel cat
Jumped off the roof today
Some would say he fell but I could tell
He did himself away
His eyes weren’t bright like they were the night
We played checkers on the train
God Bless his soul he was a tootsie roll
But he’s a dead cat just the same
Chorus:
We are living in the future
I’ll tell you how I know
I read it in the paper
Fifteen years ago
We’re all driving rocket ships
And talking with our minds
And wearing turquoise jewelry
And standing in soup lines
We are standing in soup lines
Jake the barber’s lonely daughter
Went down to her daddy’s shop
She plugged herself to a barber pole
And took a little off the top
Pressure on the left. Pressure on the right
Pressure in the middle of the hole
I’m goin’ to Maine on a forty foot crane
I’m gonna use it for a fishin’ pole
Repeat Chorus
Old Sarah Brown sells tickets down
At the all night picture show
Where they grind out sex
And they rate it with an “X”
Just to make a young man’s pants grow
No tops no bottoms just hands and feet
Screaming the posters out on the street
Strangling the curious and the weak
We give ’em what they want to see – O
Repeat Chorus
Sadly there may be no bacon in the soup line soup, what with swine flu and all.
Nothin’ makes you droop like that soup line soup.
Reblogged this on The Crazy Nigerian and commented:
You can thank me later…
Reblogged this on Jeremy Truitt and commented:
Bacon in a toaster?! This is a ridiculously awesome look at how much of The Jetson’s came true!
They only lasted one season and had such a huge impact – go figure.
Not only freshly pressed, but an example of how to be freshly pressed. Yes well done you never before met person. Future beckons to enjoy…
Thank you so much. The flow of support has been astonishing.
Reblogged this on Okay…Seriously Though? and commented:
I think bacon in a toaster is probably the best idea ever. Hop on that bandwagon.
There’s gotta be a unexplored corner of the baconverse to settle in. I’m romantic that way.
I guess the toaster bacon was before the microwave. They do sell pre-cooked bacon, but that stuff tastes awful. They would be astounded by MP3 players and cell phones. There is a flying car it is ready to be sold soon. I don’t think I will buy one. Imagine flying your kid to school, you would probably have to land in the foot ball field.
Not crazy about the pre-cooked stuff myself; even more not crazy about the prospect of dodging flying Escalades.
Pingback: Flea Market Reverie « Bluebird Blvd.
Pingback: This is the Future « Nostalgyeah!
Reblogged this on Jake's Corner and commented:
kiss my face-talking hole!
Thanks for giving my day some much needed levity. I rarely laugh-out-loud at blogs but yours is an exception.
great post
I just yelled at my teen for reheating bacon in the toaster the other day, I was concerned about a grease fire.
just putting it out there: baking bacon in the oven is the best way to retain the chewy consistency while maintaining a perfectly crisp crunch at the same time=its how those fancy resteraunts do it. dig the page tho, koodos
What a great post! You’re in on one of my favorite activities: exploring and clowning on printed materials from 50 years ago. And congrats on your new-found fame!
Amazing post and so true. This reminded me of H.G. Wells “When The Sleeper Wakes” which features a story of 19th century man who falls asleep and wakes in the 22nd. The most effective communication system was public announcement through large trumpet like speakers. Fortunately we have better systems.
Continue on such amazing idiosyncrasies.
excelente info !